February 27, 2014 By
Sheila
Why
do teenagers rebel? Is it automatic? And can you do things that prevent
teens from rebelling? I asked my 19-year-old to help us answer that
today!
“All kids will rebel, and my job as a parent is to be there to help catch them when they fall.”
I’ve heard Christian parents say that to me time and time
again–strong Christian parents, too. But the Holy Spirit does not have
an age limit. The Holy Spirit is with ALL Christians, young or old. And
so if we can expect ourselves to act appropriately, we can certainly
expect our teenagers to as well.
I’m a big believer in this philosophy, and I’ve written about these two different approaches to parenting
before. This week, I thought I’d let other people speak about how to
raise kids to make good decisions. We started on Monday about how to raise kids who won’t date too young, and then on Tuesday my 16-year-old chimed in telling us why she’s not dating in high school.
Today I’ve invited my 19-year-old to share her thoughts on why
teenagers rebel. I said to her, “can you just write something explaining
why you DIDN’T rebel?” She sent me this. It makes me tear up to read
it.
Hello. My name is Rebecca Gregoire, and I was the perfect teenager.
Obviously I’m saying that as a joke, but by most standards, I truly
was pretty perfect. I never drank, never smoked, never partied, never
dated, never even swore. (Honestly. I didn’t swear until I was 18.) I
may have been moody, but I always had a good job, and was extremely
involved in church and volunteered in childcare and youth ministries. I
didn’t rebel at all–I walked the straight and narrow all through high
school, and am continuing to do so now that I’m living on my own.
I’m not saying all this to try and make myself look great–I’m saying
it to make a point. I’m saying it to destroy a myth that has been
hovering over Christian circles for way too long.
Teenagers do not have to rebel.
I am living, breathing proof of that statement. And so are the three
girls I live with, and my best friends at our university IVCF group. We
didn’t rebel.
Before I continue, let me tell you something else about myself.
I am not demure in any sense of the word.
I don’t like listening to authority, and I often get frustrated when
I’m told what to do, or how to do it. I like to question everything. I’m
naturally extremely proud, a challenger of authority, and extremely
stubborn.
Why am I telling you this? To prove that I’m not “naturally predispositioned to submit”. I’m actually the complete opposite.
Whether or not teenagers rebel isn’t contingent on their natural
personality, and kids aren’t “guaranteed” to rebel. Obviously teenagers
aren’t guaranteed to NOT rebel, either, but there are things you can do
that make it less likely.
My family had
two children who were complete opposites, and neither of us had a rebellion stage. So it has to be something about the family, not our natural dispositions.
So why do teenagers rebel? And why do some teenagers never rebel?
I’ve tried to pinpoint what kinds of things my parents did that helped
my sister and me not rebel (though, of course, there are never
guarantees that a teen won’t rebel), and here’s what I’ve come up with:
5 Reasons I Didn’t Rebel as a Teenager
My parents instilled in me a sense of family honour
Often teenagers feel distant from their families, like they’re part
of it by blood, but that’s it. In my family it was never like that. My
mom and dad would make decisions on their own, of course, but they
always talked everything over with my sister and me. Even things that we
weren’t directly impacted by–we’d discuss everything over the dinner
table.
My family is the kind of family where everyone is involved–it’s a
team experience. A result of this is that I received a huge sense of
family pride, dignity, and honour.
Family honour has been lost in our culture. We are
so focused on ourselves, and have become extremely selfish. And I think a
lot of that is that parents put their children’s wants over the
family’s needs. In our family, Katie and I never went without. But we
didn’t get everything we wanted–I wanted an X-Box when all my friends
were getting one, but because that would cut out of major family time my
parents said no. A small example, I know, but it shows the worldview my
family had. No matter what, family comes first.
When your mindset shifts from “me” to “we”, your behaviours and your
actions aren’t just going to affect you–you begin to see how what you do
affects other people. What I do when I’m in my free time reflects on my
family, whether good or bad. And for me, that was a huge incentive to
be responsible and make my parents proud.
My parents were extremely encouraging, but also demanding
There needs to be a middle ground. I cannot stress this enough.
So many parents I see are all about the encouragement. Their kids
can’t do any wrong in their eyes, and they just constantly pour love and
affection and butterflies and rainbows into their children’s life. And
then other parents are the opposite–they don’t pay any attention to
their kids unless they do something wrong and then they blow up. Or,
even if they don’t explode in anger, they only ever criticize and never
praise their children.
My parents had a happy medium. We weren’t coddled, but we weren’t
picked on, either. My parents chose their battles, and also encouraged
us when encouragement was necessary but didn’t lie and tell us we were
great at something when we weren’t. For instance, my parents never would
have told me that I should go for a career in gymnastics, because I am
not flexible in the least.
We always knew where our parents stood, and through that, we always
knew that they were honest and had a better understanding of who we
were.
My family talks about everything
Open communication was big in our family. My mom and dad always made
sure not only that they had time to talk to us, but that they had a
specific time and place to do it, too. When I was younger, we talked
before or after reading bedtime stories, or at the dinner table when we
were eating together. When we got older, that spot moved to the hot tub
we had in our backyard and car trips to and from the grocery store,
friends’ houses, etc.
The biggest part, though, was that we didn’t just talk about school,
work, and the like. We talked about whatever was going on in our
lives–whether I was thinking about a new blog post idea, how Katie was
doing with her skating, or what movie we really wanted to see–anything
that came to mind. Our parents became our confidants, and that built a
level of trust.
Moreover, our parents shared things with us, too. Now, don’t get me
wrong, there is definitely a line here. But in our family, my parents
simply humanized themselves to us. My dad would tell us about his
favourite movies growing up, my mom would ask our opinions on
knitting patterns. She’d even tell me when she had angst over commenters on this blog!
This built a partnership between us. A partnership where one was the
parent and one was the child, of course, but nonetheless, a relationship
where the actions of one person directly affected the other. Because of
that relationship, I never felt like I needed to rebel to be heard, to
be understood, or to get my way. I knew that if my parents said no, it
was for a reason.
We were never expected to rebel as teenagers
My parents never encouraged any idea of teenage-hood rebellion. They
never joked about us rolling our eyes, acting exasperated, or having
attitude at all. Rather, they actually made us think that teenagers and
the whole rebellion process was stupid and unnecessary. I always figured
that I would grow up straight from child to adult, with no “silly
teenage stage” in-between. You may think that this is no fun, or that
kids need their time to be silly and make mistakes.
But what kind of message does that send the teenager? If kids expect
that when they hit 13 they’ll start wanting to go to parties, or go out
with boys, or watch inappropriate movies, then they will grow up to
fulfill those expectations. On the contrary, if they are raised to
believe that those are all optional, and actually unnecessary and
somewhat frivolous, they won’t want to disappoint or seem silly, and so
are more likely to make positive choices and act like an adult. This
doesn’t mean that we miss out on a childhood, or miss out on teenage
years–it just means that we use them for training for adulthood, and
have fewer regrets when we’re through it all.
Also in this category is that we had very few rules.
My parents never needed them, because they didn’t expect us to break
them. When parents have a lot of rules it always seems to me like
they’re trying to control their kids, and if you have to control them,
you’ve lost the battle already. My parents always assumed we’d pick up
on their values and make good decisions. Through our close relationship,
heart-to-heart talks, and–when necessary–confrontations, we learned
their expectations, they learned our points of view, and our family
worked together instead of parents trying to reign in their children.
Now, I only think this worked because we grew up in such a structured,
close, and trust-filled family, but that was a big thing for me. I never
felt stifled, so I never felt a need to rebel.
God was centre in our home
Our home never revolved around work, sports, school, or activities.
It didn’t even revolve around other people–it always hinged on God and
his plan for our family. Growing up in that kind of an environment
shaped my view of my actions, choices, and the effect I had on others.
When you’re used to basing everything on God’s will and God’s plan,
suddenly the parties don’t seem as important. It isn’t as tempting to
lie about who you’re hanging out with. Smoking, drinking, and the like
just doesn’t really have any appeal, because they don’t help with your
ultimate goal–to become a person God will use for great things.
So many times I see families who drop everything for good grades, or
who don’t go to church if it’s a busy week at work, or who choose
extracurricular activities
over youth group and the like. My family, however, was the opposite. If
we were tired, too bad. Get in the car, we’re going to church, because
that’s what God’s called us to. If Mom and Dad had a hard time with
work, we went to church because that’s a place of rest. If I was
struggling with school and needed the day to study I didn’t have that
choice, because it was my decision not to study earlier.
God came first in everything. And my choices were shaped because of that worldview.
I honestly don’t think there’s any one way to make sure your children
don’t rebel. Every child is different, and every family contains unique
people. But all I know is that for me, this worked. In my family, the
trust, communication, and centrality of God in our home made my teenage
years one of partnership with my parents rather than a constant battle.
So don’t give up hope–the teenage years don’t have to be war!
